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It is almost August, where did the time go?

I am sitting here contemplating the universe and all of its unique qualities and wondering how I fit into this vast world.

In my 26 years, what have I done worthwhile? What makes my life special, or any different than anyone else out there? Have I found a cure for cancer, marched for aids, or been awarded any great achievement awards? No. Once in a while you have to sit back and reevaluate your life.

You have to bring things into perspective and find out what really matters. What have I come up with? Not much, actually. My life, while meaningful to some, has not really been all that spectacular. Would there be people who would miss me if I wasn't around, yes, undoubtedly. But, really it is hard to find meaning in the everyday dregs of things when you look at the big picture.

Sometimes there are places in my heart that ache for something new. Sometimes I wonder what is out there that I haven't seen. Sometimes I can't imagine being the same old me every single day. What does that say about me? Does it make me more human, or just more selfish. Does the unexperienced adventure seem enticing because it has never been ventured or is it really something to see. These are the questions I am asking myself today. I write here sometimes because I really don't think anyone reads it, and it almost feels like a way to expel my soul into the vast nothingness of cyberspace without having to answer any questions about why I am feeling the way I am. The simple and honest answer to that question would be I really don't know.

It seems so simple to most people. You are born, have your childhood (good or bad), get through school, get married, have children, and eventually the circle starts over. Sometimes I just wonder what happened to the in between parts where you experience that new and exciting endeavor.

I know I am being entirely philosophical today, or maybe I am just going crazy. Who knows?

Poetic Ramblings:

The day dawns over a cloudy sky
My mind seems to drift as it passes by
Inside the hole I had hoped to fill
Has begun to tear at my will
My will that has always been so strong
Never before has it led me so wrong
The pain and the hurt I hid deep down inside
Long to be free from the place they ran to hide
For now they hide again and wait for the day I mend
The cracks and the tears that you can't see are mine alone once again.

Summer is here and the living is easy, wait, no it's not, who wrote that?

Ok, so that is how the song goes, but it isn't necessarily how life works. Some days thoughts pile up on me and my mind races from one subject to the next at the speed of light.

It is funny if you sit down and start to think about something and your thoughts can lead you to a place so far away from where you started that you do not remember how you got there. That happens to me a lot. The human mind is an amazing thing.

So, what is going on in my life? Well, thank you for asking. ;-) My husband and I are trying to have a baby. 1st child for us. He doesn't seem too stressed out about it, of course he is a man, and the male part of conception is fun and easy. Women on the other hand have the hard part. The waiting, the tests, the disappointment. You can't explain this to a man, because they are just not built like we are. Men are simple in the fact that things are cut and dry with them. "Oh, we aren't pregnant, well we will just have to keep trying. It is a hard job (pun intended) but someones got to do it."

Women on the other hand (myself especially) worry themselves to death about things. If you don't get pregnant right away women start to doubt their bodies and their inherent ability to have children.

I blame all of this on the world. We have gotten so advanced that every single thing that can happen to a woman trying to get pregnant has been documented. Yes, it is great to be forewarned, but it is also very terrifying. Now we know exactly what can go wrong with pregnancy and also what can go wrong to prevent it. The problem is that there are so many possibilities out there that you really do not know which one could be holding up the pregnancy process or if it is even any of the ones that we know about.

I know, I know, most people will say just give it time. It will happen when it is supposed to happen. The problem with that little helpful piece of advice... You cannot make yourself not think things. Your brain is definitely a self contained organ. You start to worry and you tell yourself, hey don't sweat it, it will be ok. 5 seconds later your brain is saying, ok was that long enough? Can I worry now? See what I mean...terrifying.

Anyways, so for now I will be trying to be patient (even though that characteristic seems to have been left out of my genetic makeup) and not worrying too much. Hopefully I will be able to get pregnant soon and I won't have to go through what a lot of people do when they are trying to conceive.

Wish me luck! (and strength, patience, calm...) Ok, ok those may be too much to ask for.

Happy Summer!

Quote of the Day: "Kids, they're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex." Bill Maher.

Random Poetry....

My pain is evident in all that I feel.

I fall and there is no one to cushion the blow.

I break, yet I am whole to the world.

The thoughts I feel rain down to the earth, as my silent heart bleeds for all to see.

Tears and scars are obvious, while pain and torment lay hidden.

Author unknown and unreachable.

Wishing I was there already...

I found this picture online and thought it was awesome. I can't believe that I will be at this place soon. Look how gorgeous the water is... wow!

If I could live close to the ocean without having to move away from all of my family, I would. I swear the ocean is the most tranquil place I ever go. I know that all of the natural disasters that occur might not give off that "tranquil" feeling, but I love the ocean.

One day I will visit Hawaii. It is inevitable. I cannot go my whole life and not see the crystal clear waters of Maui, Oahu, or Kauai. Yes, I know I am spending most of this day dreaming it away.

Sometimes I just feel depressed with so much land around me. Maybe I was supposed to be a mermaid... who knows. I would most likely get tired of the ocean if I were a mermaid. Can you just imagine some beautiful mermaid sunning herself on a rock and thinking, "what I wouldn't give to be away from all of this water."

Yeah, right, a mermaid wishing she was me? Not likely.

It all goes back to wanting what you can't have. The grass being greener on the other side. I think it is in our human nature to wonder about the unknown. We are, by all rights, curious beings. Where do you think all of the crazy, out of this world, ideas come from. Some bored individual starts daydreaming about UFO's and the such and boom, aliens are introduced into our minds.

Ok, I seem to be rambling more today than most days. Anyways, enjoy the pic. That is Megan's Bay, by the way. It is in St. Thomas (USVI), where my husband and I will be in less than a month. Have a great day, and try to enjoy what you have without wishing for more. (I am speaking to myself as well, especially me actually)

Quote of the day, "If it ain't broke, don't go messin around with it." My version of the old saying.

Another day in the life of...

Me, of course. I have had a pretty good day. Work was stressful, but that is a constant.

It is funny how I can go all day and be stressed to the gills, but the moment I sit in my Jeep I feel a sense of calm come over me and that stress melts away. I know, I know it is probably just the "New car euphoria", but I really like it. I have never owned a car any newer than a 1988 Honda Accord. It is kinda wierd to get into my Jeep everyday, turn the key, and THE CAR STARTS UP EVERYTIME. Yes, the little things that people take for granted are not taken lightly by me. I am overjoyed that I have a reliable car. It's about time, I think.

So, I will have the first car payment I have ever had to make in my life, so what. I don't begrudge it. This means I will have the added security of not being stranded on the side of the road, my car not being in the shop every other week, or smoke/oil/who knows what else leaking out from under my hood.

Anyways, enough about my car.

I entered another writing contest. This one happens to be judged solely by 4 impartial judges. I think that it will be much more fair than the online voting way of judging. I felt a little cheated with the other contest I entered, because I did not have the audience that other people had access to. I feel really good about my entry. I went over it several times and finally got it to the point that I think it is ready for judging. One of the cool things about this contest is that the guidelines specifically said that you should "leave the judges breathless for more, and with a theme of reunited lovers". This fit my story to a t. It seems like they created the contest with my story in mind. Very cool. The judging happens in May, so I will see what comes out of it. The judges actually send you back your entry with notes and suggestions, which I think is very cool too. That way, even if I don't place in the finals I will get advice from published authors or editors. Advice and helpful hints are always a good thing.

Oh, well enough about me... Hope everyone is having a great week...if anyone is even reading this.

Thought of the day..."Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. " Einstein

Wednesday and all that jazz...

I know why they call Wednesday "Hump Day"! This is the longest day of the week. You sit in your office, cubicle, or whatever space you are provided to do your job and you think you will never get to the end of the day.

Wednesday just happens to be the only day of the week that I am not slammed with work. That makes it even worse. Sometimes I wish that I were 17 again and working at Papa Johns making pizzas. When I went to work I knew exactly what the job entailed, I was good at it, and there weren't many surprises during the day. Call me predictable, but I like it when I know what I am supposed to be doing everyday.

Crazy as it seems I took a job almost three years ago that has been nothing but change. I never know from day to day what I will be doing. I know certain things that have to be done every week, but other than that your guess is as good as mine as to what I will be doing.

When I worked at Papa John's I got really good at my job. I know that working there wasn't the most prestigous position available, but I excelled at it. Oh, how I miss the days of free pizza and coming home smelling like dough. Such is life.

For now I am off to... well, hell, I have no idea what I am about to do at work. My boss will come up with something new and uninventive soon... don't worry this happens everyday.

Until next time, this is "Work sucks" signing off...